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Gramatical Sex

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served Scrod, a Massachussetts fish specialty. Getting in to a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get Scrod around here?" "Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!"

Language Barrier

Two highway workers were busy working at a construction site when a big car with diplomatic license plates pulled up.
"Parlez-vous français?" the driver asks them. The two workers just stared.
"Sprechen Sie Deutsh?" The two continued to stare at him.
"Fala português?" Neither worker said anything.
"Parlate Italiano?" Still no response.
Finally, the man drives off in disgust.
One worker turned to the other and said, "Gee, maybe we should learn a foreign language..."
"What for? That guy knew four of them and what good did it do him?"

A Dictionary of Useful Research Phrases

Research Phrase                         Translation


It has long been known...               I didn't look up the original reference.

A definite trend is evident...	        These data are are practically meaningless.

Of great theoretical and practical 	Interesting to me.
importance...

While it has not been possible to       An unsuccessful experiment, but 
provide definite answers to these       I still hope to get it published.
questions...

Three of the samples were chosen        The results of the others 
for detailed study...                   didn't make any sense.

Typical results are shown...            The best results are shown.

These results will be shown in a        I might get around to this 
subsequent report...                    sometime if I'm pushed.

The most reliable results are those     He was my graduate assistant.
obtained by Jones...

It is believed that...                  I think.

It is generally believed that...        A couple of other people think 
                                        so too.

It is clear that much additional        I don't understand it.
work will be required before a 
complete understanding of the 
phenomenon occurs...

Correct within an order of               Wrong.
magnitude...

It is hoped that this study will         This is a lousy paper, but so 
stimulate further investigation in       are all the others on this 
this field...                            miserable topic.

Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for          Blotz did the work and Frink 
assistance with the experiment and       explained to me what it meant.
to George Frink for valuable
discussions...

A careful analysis of obtainable         Three pages of notes were 
data...                                  obliterated when I knocked over 
                                         a glass of beer.

Newspaper Headlines:

  • Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
  • Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
  • Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
  • Drunk gets nine months in violin case
  • Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
  • Farmer Bill dies in house
  • Iraqi head seeks arms
  • Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
  • Stud tires out
  • Prostitutes appeal to Pope
  • Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
  • British left waffles on Falkland Islands
  • Eye drops off shelf
  • Teacher strikes idle kids
  • Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
  • Squad helps dog bite victim
  • Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
  • Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
  • Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
  • Miners refuse to work after death
  • Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
  • Stolen painting found by tree
  • Two soviet ships collide, one dies
  • 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
  • Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
  • Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
  • Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
  • War dims hope for peace
  • If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
  • Cold wave linked to temperatures
  • Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

HOW TO WRITE ENGLISH GOOD 
from the Casey Stengle School of Brooklynese 

(1) Just between you and I case is important. 
(2) Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 
(3) Don't use no double negatives. 
(4) A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with. (or as Sir Winston Churchill once said; "This is the type of nonsense up with I will not put!"). 
(5) It is always good practice to never split infinatives. 
(6) About sentence fragments. 
(7) Don't write a run-on sentence you have to punctuate it. 
(8) When one is writing, it is important to maintain your point of view. 
(9) Proofread your work. Do not tolerate mispellings! 
(10) Watch out for irregular verbs which have croped into the language. 
(11) Don't say the same thing more than once. It's redundant and repetious. 
(12) If the writer is considerate of the reader, he won't have a problem with ambiguous sentences. 
(13) This sentence no verb. 
(14) You should be aware of the conditional case if you was to use it. 
(15) The smothering of verbs is a cause of the weakening of the sentence impact. 
(16) Avoid the utilization of enlarged words when shortened ones will do. 
(17) Perform a functional iterative analysis on your work to root out third generation transitional buzz words. 
(18) Make sure you hyp-henate properly. 
(19) Sentences should be written in the active voice when giving instructions, so that the subject of the action can be identified clearly. 
(20) Avoid the use of dyed-in-the-wool cliches. 
(21) The de facto use of foreign phrases vis-a-vis plain English in your written tete-a-tetes makes the sentence harder to understand. 
(22) Continuity of thought, logical development and smooth transitions are important. Never leave the reader guessing. 
(23) Beware of malapropisms. They are a communist submersive plot. 
(24) Join clauses good like a conjunction should. 
(25) Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent. 
(26) It has come to our considered attention that in a large majority of cases, far too many people use a great deal more words than is absolutely necessary when engaged in the practice of writing sentences. 
(27) Be careful of dangling participles writing a paper. 

Butterfly

Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious. 

The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter- by." 

"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "maripose". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colors on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!" 

"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!" 

At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit "SCHMETTERLING"?" 

Catching Misspilled Words with Spilling Checker. 

As an extra addled service, I am going to put this column in the Spilling Checker, where I tryst it will sale through with flying colons. In this modern ear, it is simply inexplicable to ask readers too expose themselves to misspelled swords when they have bitter things to do. And with awl the other timesaving features on my new work processor, it is in realty very easy fro me to pit together a colon like this one and get it tight. For instants, if there is a work that is wrong, I just put the curse on it, press Delete and its Well sometimes it deletes to the end of the lion or worst yet the whole rage. Four bigger problems, their is the Cat and Paste option. If there is some test that is somewhere were you wish it where somewhere else you jest put the curse at both ends and wash it dissapear. Where you want it to reappear simply bring four quarts of water to a rotting boil and throw in 112 pounds of dazed chicken. Sometimes it brings in the Cat that was Pasted yesterday. But usually it comes out as you planned, or butter. And if it doesn't, there are lots of other easy to lose options...